Making a change.

All my life I have suffered from depression and anxiety, but around 5-6 months ago things started to really get on top of me, I hated my job, I hated the way I felt about myself, and more than anything, I felt trapped. I felt trapped in my job, in the town I lived in, in a house I couldn't afford and didn't want. I really thought my life would be like that forever, I couldn't see a way out, or a way to be happy. I knew I wanted more for myself, but I couldn't find a way to get out of the situation I was in. I felt like I was in an endless cycle and no matter how hard I tried, things were getting worse. I finally realised I needed to make a change in December when I got to the lowest point I have ever been, I ended up going to the hospital because I was afraid. I was afraid of what I was going to do to myself. A very good friend of mine came with me, and supported me, it was honestly one of the best things anyone has ever done for me, it made me realise that how I was feeling wasn't normal, but that it was okay to feel like that, aslong as I got the help I needed and as long as I realised there was a problem, and that I could feel better, I just had to help myself and let other people help me. I had to be kind to myself. I can remember thinking that I was going to change my life from that day on. And I guess you could say I have.

I handed in my notice at my job, packed up all my belongings, said goodbye to my friends, and moved in with my dad and step mum (around 200 miles away). I moved on new years day, I thought it was the perfect day to start my new life, you know 'new year, new me' and all. Since moving away I have really made an effort to be happy, to do things I wouldn't have done before and to just make the most of life. I have been to two different cities on my own, I have started a job doing bar work, which is something I used to think I would never be able to do. I have met new people, and made new friends, I used to tell myself I wasn't good with people, and that there was no point in trying to make new friends because there was nothing for people to like about me, but now I realise I was just punishing myself, and being defeatist, and allowing my anxiety to control my life. But even more than that I have chosen a career, something that makes me happy, something that I can share with other people, and make other people feel good and beautiful. I've always had an interest in makeup artistry but I never believed I would be good enough, or that there was any need for it in Hastings, or I used to ask 'why would people want their makeup done by someone who looked like me?'.

I am so proud of myself, I have set up this website, a Facebook page and an Instagram to show people, and myself what I am capable of. That I am good at things. Make up is an art, and yes I'm still learning, but I really love what I do. I love the idea of changing the way people look, of hiding what they would consider flaws, and accentuating the things they like about themselves. I just want to make people feel beautiful, and good about themselves. In a few weeks I will be doing makeup on my first paying customer. I honestly never thought anyone would have thought I was good enough for that, but someone does, and it's all from putting myself out there, spending time working and researching, watching hundreds of hours of tutorials, to make my work the best it can be. I never had anything to work towards before, and now I do. I have a purpose, I have something to make me want to better myself, and to push me out of my comfort zone.

Changing my attitude and the way I look at things has really changed my life. I feel like I have a purpose now, I don't feel like my anxiety holds me back. Yes I still get anxious, and yes I still have days where I feel terribly low, but that comes with these sort of mental illnesses, and I know how to control it, I know how to make myself feel better, and I know to push through those days, because things really do get better, you just have to make a change.